Overcoming The Wounds of an Overactive Ego

“The Ties That Bind Me and Going into the Darkness to Heal Self Inflicted Wounds of the Ego.”

Another year has come and gone without you and it was a weird year, to say the least. Buried feelings and intense emotions surfaced through another sector of my life. And it took me a long time to explain it to myself what they really meant. They released themselves as I spent time with the beautiful sunsets on the Gulf, and revealed an inner need within me. So I went for it into the darkness that accompanied emotional choices when I went there. I do not regret choices, yet yearn for the need to feel the love and reap the benefits from what arises. Are they benefits, old wounds that desire healing, or is it a loneliness so deep inside that I don't want to feel, so I bury it and search for something else. Am I searching for something that I've never felt, or masking the wounds that run so deep that I bury for the fear of feeling and knowing something that I'm not ready to come to terms with. For in the search for a feeling, that fear of loss comes back to the surface again and the feelings of abandonment that resurface over and over in my life. That overwhelming feeling of not being good enough, not being lovable or accepted just as I am, all while looking for love in the spaces that cut me to the core, that let me down and that lead me down that familiar road of pain and uncertainty. And once again, I find myself isolating with it, looking within myself for the answers that my soul was just dying to release to me, and if I would just listen, I would hear the voice of reason. But I find it hard to hear and hard to settle the chaos within my own human mind for just one minute so I can listen.

But again, I can't settle. I can't hear it because my ego says you aren't supposed to hear it and you can’t move on. Sit here in the pain of uncertainty for just a little longer. Don't listen to the realness from within. Listen to me and I will lead you better. I'll tell you what you want to hear. That soul of yours tells too much truth, and we'd rather wallow in the unknown for just a little longer. That's much better for you.

And then, just like that, something clicks. Something from deep within grabs me from the insides and says, Stop and listen to the truth. Wake up. You are not listening. And let me tell you what you need to know. You are good enough. You are a phoenix from within. Strength brought you here, and it will carry you where you need to go now. Rise You beautiful soul, no longer will you sit in the darkness that is just an illusion of thoughts and energy that are pushing you down while all you need to do is rise. Let go of the things that you allow to define you because they don't even know you. How dare you strangle me into self defeat when your insecurities are just a mirror when you look at me, reflecting back at you a truth you don't want to face. This is just a pattern of you and your own chaos, tracking you down. You continue to mask it and to run from it. You go ahead and run, for you are not good enough for me until you face the demons that continue to burn everyone and everything that crosses your path. Do you think silence is an answer? Silence is an answer I must face. And it just dawned on me, that silence has taught me to set myself free. For I want to speak so why would I sit in silence? I won't, I don't, I can't.

And just like that, I flick the switch..

I find my own answers I tried so desperately to find. I climbed really high hills in my head for answers that always sat right beside me. Isn't it something, how I ignore the whispers that call my name and choose to smother them until I awake to the echoes that don't give up on me as they continue to call my name. Until one day I get so tired of ignoring what they want to say to me. At that moment I then realize that I've treated myself just like you've treated me. I've allowed myself to act just like you. Funny how that mirror works.

But today, when I looked, I decided to see the beauty in my reflection and the kindness in my soul. I found the words to speak with love to myself that I wanted so desperately to hear from you. I wish the past well, but you no longer have an invitation to my future. Not until you face your mirrors and choose to arrive for me with your own self love, releasing the ties that bind you. And if you choose to do this, I will walk with you, not in the way it was, but in the way it was always meant to be. Honest, real, certain and full, with dignity and respect.

A real hard grief letter to write.